British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?