Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
You Might Also Like
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
everyone has that one prude friend
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.