[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
You Might Also Like
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
ouch
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what