There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.