Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”