Lol #dogsoftwitter
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Something Saturday.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
This could’ve been an email.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”