“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
You Might Also Like
i- i did not expect this
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
plums roundup
hey, alexa
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
😂😂😂
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.