Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
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Saturday
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it