I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…