[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
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Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
me: my friends:
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir