KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
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Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
The news in a nutshell.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now