On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Worst perfume name ever.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.