After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.