*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
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Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.