It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?