If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
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Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”