Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
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Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Science memes
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression