*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
From Facebook just now…
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.