Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?