There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
#ProTip
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.