How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
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HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Cucumbers Anonymous
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter