heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.