Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
You Might Also Like
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
So inspired right now.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.