hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
damn he’s good
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Customize Your Wedding.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.