One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me