Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.