*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
This is sending me to another galaxy
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”