Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Coffee is ready.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.