My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.