Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
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Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea