Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâtĂ©.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.