“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
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What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it