As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.