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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.