[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam