My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
New Tinder profile.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.