Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.