*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
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If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*