I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?