I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
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google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Velcrow
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
dream blunt rotation
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.