a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
why I oughta
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?