Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids