My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
You Might Also Like
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks