A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground