Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
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[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
How to woo a woman
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.