How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
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She was REALLY feeling it.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Ape together strong
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.