“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE