Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
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[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
All. The. Damn. Time.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.