I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Breaking news:
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.