National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
You Might Also Like
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”